The Times Are A Changin'
08th March 2015
Ahh, 2015. So far, this year is proving a hard one to beat. That's exceptional considering it has only just turned March! When I wrote my last blog post about Zone in December I had absolutely no idea just how great the new year would be. Since then I have not for a single second looked backwards and felt regret or loss. So it was a bit surprising for me when a few days back, my subconscious began throwing up quite a lot of odd flashbacks.
So from about Thursday last week, I woke up to little fleeting flashbacks. They weren't of anybody or any particular event, but simply places I had been with a certain ex. Every few hours, often while talking to people or listening, they appear out of nowhere and show tiny flashes of places like his dad's workshop, that appalling gay bar in Lincoln where so many terrible nights were spent, and hotel rooms in Egypt, Gran Canaria etc. Yet despite the negative locations, each and every time I'm left feeling ever so slightly better after seeing the past image. Each one is different, and it's almost as if with every past place I get to see again, the pain and fear of what happened there is released for good and the memory becomes "emotion neutral" like so many others.
This, along with a few other feelings that have changed over the last few days, suggests that finally things may be moving forward. After nearly four months in a state of solitary emotions, I can just about feel that ability to bond with somebody waking up and preparing for the days ahead. Don't get me wrong, its got a LOT of waking up to do, but this is none the less a massive step in the right direction after an eon of being in the dark phase that was "suppression". Its exciting to think that all the shiny loved up ecstasy mushy wushy stuff could be waiting just around the corner, but this time with all the essential code to detect the warning signs of a terrible person and prevent another potential disaster. I'm no naive spotty teenager anymore.
So I guess these flashbacks are the start of my next era. I'm going to call it "The Recovery". No, actually, no. Maybe I'll call it "The Re-birth" because in hindsight it seems most of the recovery was done that night when I was outside yelling "[redacted] shagger" at his guilty face in front of everyone (still pmsl)!!! In the coming months things are probably going to change significantly, and as summer rolls in perhaps I'll be ready for the next adventure.
But for now I'm still very happy where I am. I have a great job, a great evening commitment for the weekends, and a vibrant legendary group of friends that God himself couldn't improve upon if he tried. And now that the three month post exposure results have come back as negative, I can rest easy knowing that the only part of him that still exists within me is a set of memories, all of which have helped me gain everything I always wanted. Never have I had such friends, social skills or a sense of style. I can only say a massive "Thanks" to all involved :-)