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Don't slow down, for you'll get left behind

Its gone one in the morning on a Friday night, but unlike the rest of the world, I'm not out getting hammered. 13th June 2015


Firstly, you're 24 years and 11 months old. Secondly, you're gay. If that hasn't made your jaw drop to the floor, let me just clarify that this is in fact a dire situation. You may as well start digging your grave and picking out the saddest heart-wrenching songs for the service. Okay maybe this is an overreaction, but its kinda relevant lol.

Sudden realisation comes at odd times. Tonight it was after finishing my DJ set and starting to drive home. For some reason I'm sober on a Friday evening and deciding whether to brave Flex, try another town or just call it quits and go home. You've probably guessed it was the third option, and that's when it hit me.

Don't for a second think that you can slow down to catch your breath, for the world will leave you behind. We all know how true this is, in a blink of an eye people just vanish and new strangers arrive without warning. What makes me think I've slowed down? Deciding to go home for one. Shouldn't I be out in some club enjoying every second of my rapidly fading youth before I reach my gay death? (Someone once told me that your gay love life effectively ends at 25, and therefore you are effectively dead). Considering my ever declining drive over the past few months, I really do think this may be true for me. You might say there's an empty hole, but for a change it has no desire to be filled. Sorry, that was an appalling analogy. Not an analogy at all.

The Black Rabbit of Inle, a beautiful piece of my past before the days of sexuality and all the associated trouble.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I feel very confused. And I feel time is running out and I'm not keeping up with the world and getting left behind. It really feels like the clock is ticking for me, and soon an opportunity will have passed me forever. Honestly, I don't know what I want anymore. I can go clubbing in all manor of cities, and travel to all the different countries, but I feel that none of this will fix the confusion.

This is another one of those "Time heals everything" things, isn't it? Well what if you don't think you have much time? Nothing makes sense lately and I don't know what I want to achieve, or be. Don't get me wrong, my life is a billion times better than it was 2 years ago. My job is great, my friends are great, my hobbies are slowly returning to me. But the confusion sits like fog on my mind, and I need the wind to get up and clear it away. Its been foggy for months now, and I miss the blue sky. Maybe the Black Rabbit of Inlé is hiding in this fog somewhere? Anyway, enough philosophical rubbish for one evening. Goodnight everyone.